I. A. N. Chapter #6 - The Theory, by Liam

What up party people! Liam here ready with a new chapter WELL AND TRULY ON TIME. Find out what happens next in...

Chapter 5: The Theory

"And what pray tell is more dramatic than a mushroom cloud of death and destruction?" asked Jack.

Liam boldly stepped forward. "You want me to murderfuck I.A.N., don't you?"
Princess Hazelwada roared in exasperation. "No! You," she jabbed a finger angrily at Liam, "come here." With some trepidation Liam slowly walked towards the Princess. As he neared her she reached out with lightning speed and grabbed his testicles. Hard. "If you don't stop thinking with this prick of yours I will rip it off and feed it to the mutated skag rats out in the barren wastelands. Do I make myself clear?" Her voice was a low growl, only audible to Liam.
"Y-yes," came his pained reply.
Princess Hazelwada twisted Liam's testicles with gleeful malice. "I said, do I make myself clear?"
"Yes Princess Hazelwada!" shrieked Liam several octaves higher than he was used to. Princess Hazelwada released her grip and Liam staggered over to Jack.
"Dude, what the hell just happened?" Jack whispered, his voice laced with worry and a tinge of envy.
"I have no clue, but I think I just got to second base."
Princess Hazelwada glared at the two hapless heroes. "Now, as I was saying. The nuke won't work against I.A.N. We need to use it to mount a surprise attack halfway across the world, where a factory is mass producing robot mercenaries intent on wiping out what little remains of humanity. Once we eradicate that threat, then we can turn our attention to I.A.N. and maybe, just maybe, we'll have a hope at rebuilding this planet."
"Right, and how exactly do we destroy this Intelligent Attack Node?" asked Jack.
Princess Hazelwada's eyes lowered to the ground. "Lionel, tell them."
"We have identified only one way to destroy the glorious leader. Total protonic reversal." Lionel's robotic voice didn't sound quite as confident as it usually did.
"No way," gasped Liam. "Total protonic reversal? But that's only a theory! It's not actually possible."
Princess Hazelwada placed a hand on Liam's and Jack's shoulders. "Believe me, it's the only way. You see, I.A.N. isn't, exactly, an actual living thing. It's more of a concept which we created, and as a result it manifested a conscience and decided that humanity was not worthy of its time. We... we shaped him too much in our own image. I'm not going to lie to you guys. We fucked up. We fucked up real bad."
Jack's robotic head whirred as it tried to absorb all this information. He moved his hand away from the nuke and stared at the Princess, a woman he once found to possess amazing beauty, and now all his eyes registered was idiocy. "You humans. You bloody stupid fucking humans. You're always looking for new ways to destroy each other, intent on your own selfish survival! Don't you see? Don't any of you bastards see? These weapons you create, you are not worthy of controlling them. You are not worthy of life."
Princess Hazelwada's eyes widened with fear while Liam looked shocked at his friend. "Jack, buddy, what are you saying?"
"You're all going to die," cackled Jack. "I am not afraid of you! I merely have to sit back and wait for the last rattling gasp of humanity and then I, I.A.N., will claim this world as my own!"
Lionel snapped into action and gave Jack a solid whack across his robot face, which was laughing maniacally.
"Woah... guys. What just happened?" Jack sounded like himself again.
"I apologise. It would seem the mechanical transmitter in your robot head was interfered with by I.A.N. For the briefest of moments he was you..."
"...And I was him," Jack's voice was full of fear. "I saw what he intended to do. And he saw our plans. He laughed at them, Liam. He knows we can't ever possibly destroy him with total protonic reversal. And he's going to... well. It's not going to be a pleasant end for us when he finds us. And he will find us."
Lionel flipped open a compartment in the back of Jack's head and began rewiring. "This should not have happened. Must repair. This is bad news." Princess Hazelwada, meanwhile, was hurriedly collecting as many weapons as she could possibly carry, cursing under her breath.
"Jack... you didn't... you didn't tell him where we are did you?" Liam wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer, but he knew he had to ask.
"I couldn't help myself," cried Jack, "he knows."

Wow. So that concludes Chapter 6! Looks like Jack's robotic head could see the downfall of our two dashing heroes! What'll happen next time? Well, that's for Jack to decide in Chapter 7! And here is his opening line...

A silent tear rolled down Jack's robotic cheek, "and he's coming."

Good luck Jack! Smell ya later

Liam (not Jack)

I.A.N Chapter #5 - The Plan, by Jack

Hey folks sorry it's a bit late!I'm sure you all understand (except apparently Liam ... =P)

Jacks mind raced with vile sickening imagery and he felt his stomach violently contort as it tried to expel it's last meal, but he had to control himself and look strong for Princess Hazelwada who was now openly weeping. 

"princess" he said placing a hand on her shoulder "these robot bastards will pay." he turned to Liam "fuck the robot dude." Liam stepped backwards.

"no way! you know the meat machine doesn't work on anything non human … or non female!" Liam said a glimmer of fear entering his eyes

"friend, you have to, it's for the Princess." Liam froze in place, he looked at the weeping princess. Maybe if he fucked Lionel she would fall in love with him and then he could let the meat machine free. He slowly reached up and undid his belt.

Princess Hazelwada quickly stood and raised her hands to her eyes, she stifled the tears and turned to the two companions. "For fucks sake what is wrong with you two?" she asked "I don't want you to fuck Lionel to death. Quite frankly I don't want EITHER of you fucking anything!" both mens faces fell at this, Jacks with a distinctly robotic whirr. "Look Lionel is the one chance we have of breaking into the overlords lair. If we can get in there we might be able to shut the bastard down and save what little is left of humanity." Jack scuffed his feet on the ground.

"I still think Liam should murder fuck the robot." he muttered, Hazelwada shook her head in exasperation.

"Lionel come with me I think it's time we showed these gentleman the plan, they might be as thick as two planks but they seem to be able to fight … averagely well, except for the dying part." Lionel nodded and gestured towards a door.

"Gentlemen if you will come with me I will show you to the armoury." Liam immediately perked up at this, having lost his favourite weapon in the robotic melee.

Lionel and Hazelwada led them out into a long corridor, exposed pipes and wires ran across the ceiling occasionally dripping water or puffing out a small jet of steam. The four of them walked along in relative silence, Jack thinking about his death and Liam thinking about fucking shit up with some sort of spade with two knife attached to it. Eventually they reached a door resembling an old sci fi air-lock. As they walked up t it the doors opened with a hiss and the contents of the room were revealed. "Holy fucking shit." Jack said running his eyes over the racks of weapons.

"This robot apocalypse is growng on me." Liam replied childish excitement flooding through him.

The room before them was stocked to the brim with the finest weapons either of them had ever seen, racks of assault rifles, pistols, shot guns, sub machine guns, LMG's and even a couple of rocket launchers chucked in for good measure. But all this pales in comparison to the device in the centre of the room. "DIBS ON THE NUKE!" Jack yelled running over and running his hands along it.

"uncool dude" Liam yelled "you know i love the concept of nuclear warfare."

"Would you two stop!" Hazelwada said in a tone that dripped with exasperation "that nuke is the weapon thats going to blow the overlord to robot hell." Jack turned to face Hazelwada, he kept one hand behind his back still caressing the nuclear warhead.

"This overlord you keep talking about. Who is he?"

"it's not a case of who" she replied "it's a case of what. Intelligent Assault Node, or as we affectionately called it when we created it … I.A.N"

"Oh for fucks sake" Jack said reluctantly removing his hand from the nuke.

"Let me guess, the only way to stop this robot overlord is to blow him to hell with this here nuclear thingamy bob?" Liam asked lifting an assault rifle from one of the racks and looking down the sites, skillfully hiding the fact that he had never shot a gun in his life from the princess by flicking some switches and closing one eye.

Hazelwada looked away, not meeting eithers gaze "not exactly" she muttered "we need something a little more ... dramatic."

So thats my chapter done! Now back over to Liam with this starting sentence:

"and what pray tell is more dramatic than a mushrrom cloud of death and destruction?" asked Jack

Liams post will probably be up quite quickly after this one and mine will be just over a week after that to piss Liam off!

CIAO,

Jack (also now posting from my account!!!)