I. A. N. Chapter #4 - Hard Truths, by Liam

Heyheyhey party people, Liam back again for the next exciting chapter of I. A. N. Enjoy!

Chapter 4: Hard Truths

“Excuse me” Liam said, rising from off of the floor “but there’s something I need to ask you, something of vital importance.”
The mysterious woman looked at Liam, and an enticing smile danced over her lips. “What is it?”
“Well,” Liam took a deep breath and summoned his courage. “Are you free tonight, for a date perhaps?”
Jack rolled his eyes wearily as the lady tipped her head back and let out a delightful laugh. “You flatter me sir, but I am afraid you are not my type.”
Jack could barely contain his glee, his robotic head forcing his robotic muscles into a stupid grin. “Boom. Shot down.”
This was unprecedented. Liam was usually so good with the ladies, if we ignore the incident a year or so ago. “Oh, well, umm, sure,” Liam stammered. “That’s cool. Y’know, whatever. Heh.” Liam turned away to hide his embarrassment.
Jack stepped proudly forward. “Now my friend has sufficiently made an arse of himself, allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Jack, and this is Liam. We didn’t mean to weep all over your dusty floor, but it has been an emotional day. If Liam isn’t your type, would you perhaps care to join me for dinner tonight?”
The woman’s features steeled over. “No. You are not my type either.”
“Oh Jesus, what IS your type then?” cried Liam exasperatedly.
The woman smiled teasingly. “Women.”
Liam spun around, looking at her seriously. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
Now it was Jack’s turn to ask a question. “But seriously?” He inquired.
“Seriously. Now boys, allow me to introduce myself. I am Princess Hazelwada, and I need your help.”
“You’re a Princess?” asked Liam, trying to stop his mind from wandering to inappropriate sexy thoughts of women kissing other women.
“Well, not technically. But since most of humanity is now extinct, I figure, why not give myself a title? Whose going to stop me, right?”
Jack suddenly sniffed the air. “Liam, dude, can I talk to you for a second? Privately.” He looked pointedly at Princess Hazelwada.
“Listen boys, we don’t have much time.” She was clearly growing impatient.
“This will only take a second,” Jack insisted. He huddled close to Liam, and whispered, “Mate… you have an erection. I can smell it.”
“I know,” said Liam defeatedly, “but I couldn’t help myself. I started thinking of women kissing other women and suddenly, bam, the meat machine is ready for action.”
“Dude, fuck man, I know. Fuck. She’s super hot and in my head her girlfriend is super hot too. But this is not the time. You gotta control yourself.”
“But the meat machine hasn’t received any lady love for a few days now, and you know what I always say…”
“Yes,” Jack sighed, “the meat machine requires juice for you to function normally.”
“What kinda juice Jack? What kind?”
Jack didn’t want to say it, but he knew he had to or this conversation would never end. “Pussy juice.”
“You’re god damn right.” Liam turned to Princess Hazelwada. “We will help you! But first, show me where the women are.”
Princess Hazelwada’s smile faltered. “There are no women. Not any more. The robots either enslaved them, or killed them… or worse.”
“What could be worse than death?” asked Jack, oblivious to the depravity that these robots were capable of.
“Close your eyes, brave sir, and allow me to paint you a word picture. Imagine, if you will, that you are out on a friendly jaunt across a meadow of freshly cut grass. Now, picture you meet a robot.
Picture that robot has a spike for a cock, and he wants you to become intimately acquainted with it. From behind.”
“Ouch”, gasped Jack, shifting from foot to foot.
“Now imagine he removes that spike from inside you and makes you lick it. He does not clean it first. And that’s not the end…”
“Oh my god I want it to be the end, please, no more” whimpered Jack.
“Then the robot forces you to lie down. He squats over you. And suddenly you’re covered in fecal matter and oil. You ever smelt robot shit?”
“I… er, don’t think so?”
“It smells like the rotting flesh of a thousand men residing in a thousand hells. That… is the fate that befell my girlfriend. Ashamed and incapable of living with the putrid stench, she ran away to kill herself.” A silent tear rolled down Princess Hazelwada’s cheek. “And that is why I need your help.”
By now Liam’s penis had well and truly shrunk back to it’s normal flaccid state, and he was ready to be of some use. “What would you like us to do?”
Princess Hazelwada leaned in close to Jack and Liam, and motioned for Lionel to also come closer. “Lionel here tried to kill me not too long ago. Luckily I managed to rewire him and reprogram him to follow my commands.”
“Thank you again Princess,” exclaimed Lionel.
“Remember those robots that nearly killed you earlier?”
“Actually one of them did kill me,” piped up Jack.
“Yes, well, Lionel was attempting to re-establish himself as trustworthy to them. He was going to use them to find their secret hideout, and then we were going to upload a virus to their hivemind which would effectively wipe them all out. Obviously, we can’t do that plan now thanks to you two.”
“Hey, but wouldn’t that plan have killed Lionel too?” asked Liam, feeling sorry for his newfound friend.
“Yes,” came Princess Hazelwada’s reply, “but Lionel deserves to die. You see… Lionel is the robot that attacked my girlfriend.”

And that concludes the fourth chapter to I. A. N. Jesus, it all got a bit nasty there didn't it? I don't like these robots - they're bad news. I wonder what will happen next? Well, that's for Jack to decide, and here is his opening sentence for chapter five:

Jack’s mind raced with vile sickening imagery and he felt his stomach violently contort as it tried to expel its last meal, but he had to control himself and look strong for Princess Hazelwada who was now openly weeping.

Good luck Jack! Smell ya later

Liam (not Jack) 

I.A.N Chapter #3 - The Suffering

Chapter 3 - The Suffering

Liam filled Jack in on what had happened, with some help from their new robot friend, but there was one burning question that Jack just could not ignore. "Liam. Why can I smell peanut butter?" He asked sniffing at the air.

"Peanut butter? What are you talking about? There are far more pressing concerns, for example, the fact that you have a robotic head, or the fact that you've just woken up inside this creepy arse basement and the first thing you ask is why everything smells of peanut butter?" Liam felt the anger rising in him "God damn it Jack you DIED!" he yelled. Jack averted his eyes from his friends face.

"I'm sorry dude" he said "I know you must have been worried. But seriously ... this fucking peanut butter smell is making me really hungry." Liam stuttered in anger for a moment and then shook his head in exasperation.

"It doesn't even smell of peanut butter." he growled turning to face the robot "why can he smell peanut butter?" The robot quietly ticked and buzzed in a decidedly quizzical fashion.

"When you were repaired I decided that your hardware was outdated and implemented some updates. The sensory organs of your friend have been improved 10 fold, he is smelling my masters lunch."

"Oh … right … sorry mate" Liam said turning back to Jack "I'm kind of on edge what with this whole robot uprising thing."

"no problem" Jack replied lifting himself up out of the bed "so whats all this bullshit about me having a robot head? And why is my chin so cold?" he paused for a moment and a look of horror filled his eyes. He slowly began to raise his hand towards his chin. Liam lunged forward and grabbed his arm.

"you don't want to do this Jack" he said, staring deep into his friends mildly robotic eyes "when you died and lost your old head … you lost … you lost something else as well." Jacks eyes filled with fear and Liam felt tears welling in his own "it's gone Jack. The beard is gone."

"No. NO WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT THIS?" Jack yelled pushing Liam back and then reaching up to his chin. His hands stroked against the replica flesh and felt nothing, no beard, not even a mild coating of stubble. Jack collapsed to his knees and let out a howl of rage and sorrow he raised his hands towards the ceiling and let the tears flow. Liam, watching all this, collapsed across from him and allowed his own tears to flow

"I swear to you Jack. We will make those robotic sons of bitches pay ... no offence" he aimed this last at the robot standing behind them.

"I do not comprehend offense." the robot replied watching the two men weep.

At that moment the door to the room they were in slammed open and a young woman walked in. "Oh for fucks sake" she said looking at the scene before her "Lionel why are our guest weeping on the floor?" she said looking over at the robot. Liam looked over and felt the tears stop. This woman was beautiful, her brown hair was tied back in a loose pony tail and her piercing blue eyes seemed to glimmer in the electric light, Liam couldn't help but watch as she strode over to Jack and hauled him too his feet before wheeling on him. "Would you two man the fuck up?" she asked, her tone screamed frustration but Liam was sure there was a hint of lust. "You dick holes strode into the middle of this shit storm and caused me a fuck ton of trouble. I was on the verge of a breakthrough but now the legion have fortified there security and robotic scum bags are swarming the rest of the town. I have half a mind to chuck your lazy arses out there and let the Legion finish what they started." Liam just sat there staring at this goddess as she berated them. Jack wiped his eyes and brushed himself off, he had seen the look Liam was giving the woman numerous times before and knew that it would fall to him to take charge of this conversation, he paused for a moment, composed himself and then turned on the woman "apologies" he said, hearing the quiver in his voice and forcing it away through will alone "I can see we've caused you some level of inconvenience but me and my buddy here" he gestured towards the still entranced Liam "have just recovered from being assaulted by an army of robots, I personally have found out that I died, had my head replaced with a robotic one and that my beard, a beard that I have had since I was a mere child, has been removed." Jack felt the rage replace the sorrow he was feeling and let a hint of it creep into his voice.

"Don't forget your shoulder." Lionel said from the corner.

"OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING SHOULDER." He yelled, the rage fully overtaking him.

So yeah thats chapter 3 finished! hope you all enjoyed it because i definitely enjoyed writing it! Anyway heres is Liams starting line for the next post:

"Excuse me" Liam said, rising from off of the floor "but theres something I need to ask you, something of vital importance."

Until next time,
Jack Out.

I. A. N. Chapter #2 - The Fall of Jack and Liam, by Liam

Hey party people. Liam here with Chapter 2 of I. A. N. Enjoy!

Chapter 2: The Fall of Jack and Liam.

Liam Hefted The Bitch-o-tron and turned to Jack. "Let's do this." With a mighty swing, the Bitch-o-tron made contact with one of the leaping robots in mid-air. The robot clattered to the floor and its glowing red eyes faded and blinked out. "Huh", shrugged Liam, "That was easy."
"Yo, a little help?" Cried Jack who was battling with his own maniacal machine. The knife-broom had been snapped in half and was now being wielded by the robot whose attention was solely focused on Jack.
Liam rolled his eyes. "How did that happen?"
"These bastards are fast!" Jack dodged a deadly bladed thrust.
"Mine's dead."
"Bullshit!" Jack yelled incredulously. "Already?"
"Bitch-o-tron strikes again!" Liam heroically rose the Bitch-o-tron above his head, completely oblivious to the fact that the fallen robot's eyes had sparked back to life. With calculated precision the machine snatched at Liam, tearing out his Achilles tendon. Liam's eyes bulged in pain as he fell into unconsciousness.
"Liam, get the fuck up and help me," roared Jack, ducking another thrust and rolling across the dusty floor. Before he could spring to his feet the robot had moved with lightning speed, thrusting the knife end of the broom-knife into Jack's shoulder, and the splintered wooden half into his neck. Blood gurgled in Jack's throat and dribbled into his beard as he stared at the machine that was rapidly ending his life.
"You humans are pathetic," beeped the robot as Jack fell to his knees. It reached out a metallic hand and grasped the wooden shaft sticking out of Jack's neck, then slowly began to twist. The pain was excruciating. "Are you prepared to die, puny human?"
Jack gritted his teeth. "Fu-"
"Incorr-" The robots metallic voice was drowned out by an explosion. Before Jack lost consciousness he saw two flashes of red, and then darkness engulfed him.

-------

Liam awoke to a strange tingling sensation in his foot. "Do not move," beeped a familiar metallic voice.
"What are you doing to me?" Liam struggled to move but found he was restrained. It felt like he was lying on a hard wooden table.
"Repairs. Do not move."
"Oh cut the bullshit, why don't you just kill me?"
"You are mistaken. You will be repaired." A chrome skull with glowing red eyes appeared beside Liam. "You are safe. Rest now, I fear your friend will not be repaired so easily."
Ice cold fear struck Liam. "Jack... what happened to him?"
"He died. Now, you will sleep."
Liam felt a sharp prick in his arm followed by the comfortable nothingness of a dreamless sleep.

-------

Several days passed before Liam awoke. He groggily shook his head as strange memories swam before his vision. He remembered robots. He remembered losing. He remembered pain. Liam sat up quickly, no longer restrained, and looked at his foot. His eyes widened as realization dawned on him - his foot was missing. At least, his human foot was missing, replaced by a metallic replica. He wiggled his toes with ease, and marveled at the machinery.
"You are repaired."
Liam hadn't even noticed the two glowing red eyes staring at his from the shadows. "Why? So you can kill me?" No, that didn't make any sense. "Answer me!"
"You are my only hope. You, and your friend."
"Oh shit, Jack! How is he?"
"He is repaired."
Relief washed over Liam. "How? I remember... you said he died?"
"Correct. I repaired him."
"Can I see him?"
"He is sleeping. His repairs were challenging."
"Take me to him, now," Liam growled. He swung his legs over the side of the table, and one foot made a soft padded sound while the other clanged loudly. "Now."
"Very well. Follow me." The robot walked past Liam and pushed open a door. "In here. Come."
Liam stormed past the robot to see his friend passed out on the cold stone floor. Well, it sort of looked like his friend, except there was something not quite right. Liam narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out what was different about Jack. Then he noticed it. His head. "Tell me what happened. Tell me everything."
"I was held captive by two Mechazoids. They are bastards. You and your friend fought them. You and your friend lost. Your Achilles tendon was removed. I am no surgeon, but I tried to fix it. I could not, so I replaced your foot. How does it feel?"
"Fine. Now tell me about him."
"He suffered grievous wounds. He needed a neck replacement. I am no surgeon, but I tried to fix it. I could not, so I replaced his neck. His head would not reattach. I replaced that too."
"Fuck me," whispered Liam. "So he's...a robot?"
"No. I managed to reattach his brain. It was not easy. I am no surgeon, but he will probably keep his memories. And his humanity. Sadly he has lost his beard."
A silent tear fell from Liam's eye. "Goddamit he loved that beard. Will it-" Liam choked back the tears. "Will it grow back?"
The robot stood motionless.
"Answer me!" Anger was welling up inside Liam.
"In time."
Jack stirred, his robot head lolling from side to side. One eye slowly opened. "Liam... what... what happened?"
"He still sounds like Jack!" Cried Liam, relieved.
"Affirmative. I programmed his voice in accordance with his vocal chords. Would you like to keep his head? I had to hollow it out. For research."
"Umm...... I don't really want to, but we'll let Jack decide on that. How you doing buddy?" Liam knelt down beside his friend.
"I'm confused man. Whose head is hollowed out? Where are those robot fucks? Did you kill them?" Jack looked like Jack at least, although without his beard his face looked a little wrong. 
Then again, Liam supposed that it's unsurprising Jack's robot head looked a little wrong. But it was robotic. And they were both alive. "Let's get you feeling better. I think we've made a new friend."
"Affirmative!" And both Liam and Jack noticed that the robot's metallic beeping voice somehow sounded happy.
 


That concludes the second chapter to I. A. N. What'll happen next? Well, that's for Jack to decide. His starting sentence for chapter number three is:

Liam filled Jack in on what had happened, with some help from their new robot friend, but there was one burning question that Jack just could not ignore.

Smell ya later! Good luck Jack!

Liam (not Jack)

I. A. N. Chapter #1 - The Arrival, by Jack

Hey It's Jack here posting the first chapter of I.A.N!

Chapter 1: Arrival.

The sun rose with expected inevitability, splashing its harsh light across a deserted town. Its rays crept along the Main Street revealing signs of the previous nights events. A scratch along a door, the broken shards of a bottle, ashen remnants from one fire or another, a hand detached from its owners body. As the light spread ever out wards it caught the shoes of two lone figures on the very edge of the devastation. "Fuck me" Jack said staring at the carnage before them.

"Yeah" Liam responded, after taking a dramatic sip from his mostly melted slush puppy. "Pretty positive we've got ourselves a good old fashioned zombie outbreak"

Jack pushed his glasses up on his nose and glared across at his friend. "What possible evidence do you have that is telling you that this was caused by zombies?" He asked, "If it was zombies we'd be seeing some of the undead bastards wandering around and there'd be a hell of a lot more corpses. No this is obviously some sort of culty, ritual sacrifice kind of thing."

Liam took one final sip and threw the cup and it's last few dregs down onto the floor. "Whatever. Grab the tools, lets go fuck up some Z's."

Jack shook his head in despair before heading over to the small hatchback they had driven out here. The car was a hideous shade of vomit yellow but it had been the only cheap car they could purchase after they had mistakenly blown up their last car in an attempt to kill a poltergeist (which had actually turned out to be a Neolithic era god). He popped open the boot and ran his eyes over the array of 'tools' they had built up during the years they had been working together "Which one do you want?" He asked picking up a broom with a knife strapped to each end.

"I'll have the Bitch-o-tron 3000, if you don't mind"

Jack pulled out a fire axe that Liam had attempted to spray paint flames onto. "How many times do I have to ask you before you stop calling it that?" He handed the axe to his friend and then looked towards the nearest house  "Right, lets find out where these arse hole cultists have set up shop." He said with a grin. Liam took the bitch-o-tron and raised it up over his head before bringing it crashing down on to the door, it immediately cracked and with a kick Liam sent it crashing into the wall. A cloud of dust and ash swirled into the air and clouded the two men’s vision. “Well what do you know!” Said Liam as the cloud of particles slowly cleared “we were both wrong, its frickin robots!” The three humanoid figures huddled in the centre of the room had turned to face them and one flashed it's glowing red eyes.

“What do we have here?” It said, it's voice sounding like a cheap auto-tuner. It rose and the light spilling in through the door revealed its mechanical body in all it's glory “get them!” It loudly beeped/said and it’s two comrades immediately turned and prepared to leap.

So there it is! The start to what we're both hoping will be an epic tale of adventure. Liams starting sentence for his chapter is:

'Liam Hefted The Bitch-o-tron and turned to Jack. "Let's do this."'

catch you all on the flip side! Good luck Liam!

Jack (not liam)